Looking back over old emails from 2014, I was catapulted back in time to 18. Memories long forgotten – suppressed – my first boyfriend complaining how nobody cares about him and how we aren’t in a real relationship because I don’t have time to see him. My responses, trying to placate him that I was studying for exams and would see him when I was on school holidays.

I am overcome with a bittersweet feeling, because I was so youthful and exuberant and romanticized my life and my new relationship with my dream boat and just loved everything about life. and I was criticized to no end. Now I feel jaded. I am trying to tap into those fun romanticized feelings, but with the knowledge behind me. Romanticize myself, my life and my friends.

I never really let the control my parents had over my life bother me, I simply dismissed it. Others pointed it out but I was happy looking on the bright side of life and living in my bubble.

My whole life – through my romantic relationships, relationships with my parents and my siblings – I’ve put others first and tried to lift others up. I pour all of my energy into everyone else and then need to escape into solitude and sit in my own energy to recharge.

Depression runs in my genes and I’m very aware of Law of Attraction and how your thoughts create your reality. I may take this a bit too literally, but I am very careful to create a flourishing garden in my mind so I call in abundance and positivity rather than negative, woe is me energy. I try to tell those around me that a good life is just a mindset shift away, but it doesn’t land well. It was interesting and confronting for me to see I have been doing this for 10 years – previously it was coming from a naive, well intentioned place. Now it’s coming from a place of not wanting my loved ones to suffer. But I have the awareness to not harm myself in trying to lift others.

People aren’t safe for me to recharge, they only deplete me.

So now for the first time in my conscious life, I am putting myself first.

My colleague told me last week, she has noticed a change in me. She has I pointed out that I am doing things I want to do and not listening to those who warn me against it. I had told her how my Mum laughed at me when I said I wanted to get dreads and how my housemate told me I’d have to shave my hair when I no longer wanted them. The old me would have let this deter me and I would have remained the same and wished I had the courage to do it. The old me would not get to experience the PURE JOY I am experiencing from living my truth.

My colleague commented that since I built my car up, she’s noticed a change in me. My car has liberated me and shown me how capable I am. She told me buying the car was probably the best thing I ever did for myself.

I have always taken what I was given and never complained. My needs and wants have always been dismissed because someone else claimed to know what’s better for me.

When I was 15, all I wanted for Christmas were 2 books – The Carrie Diaries. I didn’t want ANYTHING else, just 2 books. I was given a kindle instead because ‘now you can read as many books as you want!’.

I didn’t want a kindle. I didn’t know how to use a kindle. I wanted the books in physical form, because it’s an experiential intimacy for me.

So when I discovered the Suzuki Jimny and felt a magnetic pull toward it, I knew it was for me. I didn’t know how or why, but I knew I had to have it.

My first car was one I bought because my parents told me it was sensible and reliable. Great! When we moved, my partner wanted to buy a 4WD and he persuaded me to buy his car, which was newer, as my car was getting old and might not make the drive up north.

This was also a reliable car, new and economic. I couldn’t have cared less about it. 

A few days after I first clocked the Jimny online, one came into work for an inspection. I asked the owner if I could have a look inside and was stoked with it. That weekend, my friend and I went to the dealer and took one for a test drive. I called my parents and told them about it, they tried to recommend I get a different 4WD, something less expensive.  I explained that even if they think it’s a ridiculous purchase, I am not in a position to be planning on having a family (so the small size isn’t an impractical issue) and I never ever want anything so I won’t let them sway me. If I had to buy something they wanted me to buy, I would keep the car I already have and don’t care about, because that’s how strongly I feel. This or nothing.

This is the first time I’ve stood up for myself, to my parents. In 8 years of living away from them, this is the first time I’ve made an independent decision for myself.  

My dad hopped on the wagon and started looking for cars for sale online and found in the next town over. I had purchased my dream car within 4 weeks of discovering it.

When things are in alignment, they flow. The path of least resistance.

This is all linked to what I wrote yesterday about discovering I CAN do whatever I want. All you need to do it release the fear of what might happen and stop listening to those who are operating out of fear, fear for you. If you trust and follow your instincts, things will work out. 

Last year, I was in a job I didn’t like. Fielding customer demands and questions I didn’t have answers to, while I was going through the emotional turmoil of a grieving my old life had me in tears at my desk more times than I can count.

At the end of the year, there was some shuffling in positions at work and I put my hand up and asked to give another role a go.

A job I was definitely not qualified for and had no idea if I would be able to do it, but I knew I couldn’t stay in the position I was in. For the first time in my life, I took a stand and backed myself professionally. I called upon the BDE I use in job interviews, which usually tapers out after I commence work and go into trainee/student mode.

There comes a time when you look at your life and choose to complain about it or make a change.

You’re the only one who can change your life. You can save yourself. No one else is coming to save you.

I’m so proud of myself for taking the reins and saving myself, getting myself out of a situation I was not happy in.

I was absentmindedly singing along to Just Like Heaven by The Cure the other day and sang

‘dreamed of all the different ways I had to make her grow‘.

It had me giggling for a few minutes when I realized what I’d vocalized, because that shows where my intentions and values currently lie. In growth. Improvement.

For now

xx