I worked at a music festival over the weekend, serving drinks in the bar.

This was a discerning factor of my trip – I’ve been looking forward to it and it’s the reason why I stayed in Sunshine Coast for so long.

It was a good time, I love being back of house and seeing how things work – I used to work at the airport and really enjoyed seeing the operational side of things. Not the glitzy superficial stuff.

I always mused I could get back into hospo work, a shift here and there to tide me over and continue this lifestyle. Sell my soul to the devil for 2 or 3 days a week in exchange for this may not be so bad, right? I’ll have to sit with that.

I noted some things about hospitality work, that didn’t sit well with me, now I am well rooted in my growth journey.

The customer needs you. You have to push through. I know that if I sit down, I won’t get back up. So I’d rather not take a break, because you’re so in the zone… Completely in your head – autopilot – ignoring your body signals.

My hands and feet were wrinkled and soaking, my muscles ache but I must go on, the customer needs me.

I know better than this, but hospitality is not an industry where you get praised for your effort, it’s expected.

I did two shifts. The morning after day 1, I did an intense yoga session which helped a lot. Grounded mind and released body.

This morning, I didn’t really stretch because we had to get going. I just feel completely fatigued. I feel hungover. I haven’t felt like this in a long time.

Not to mention, you try to remain stimulated by eating lollies and drinking energy drinks.
Two things that don’t complement my lifestyle.

I’m noticing today, I have a lot of internalized energy and I’m feeling the need to express myself. Through writing, singing, crying. Taking on other peoples energy all day, without authentic expression is actually so exhausting. and I lived like this for years. No wonder I have a sea of stored emotion inside me.

I was interested to see how I would fare, but I can confidently say I won’t be signing up for bar work anymore.

I’m definitely keen to get into the operational side and I have 2 gigs coming up doing just that which I am so grateful for.

I’m grateful for this opportunity and for holding my boundaries and not falling into old toxic habits.

I noticed growth in myself – when I worked in hospitality previously, I was a chronic people pleaser. Couldn’t help myself but mask with the customers.

Now, it is what it is. Oh we’re out of something? Sorry you guys bought it all. Oh, you waited 40 minutes in the line? You are part of the line. Don’t come to a festival or better yet don’t drink alcohol.

There was a young girl who was quite ill and there was another woman who was distressed and yelling at her (assumed) partner. Both chronic reminders of the affects of alcohol.

Once you get to that stage where your chest gets tingly and you feel like shit, you can’t really come back from it. It ruins the experience for you. I’ve been there too many times and had actually forgotten about it, but you’re poisoning your body and your brain so what can you expect?

Next week, I’m celebrating 10 months sober.

Thank god for sobriety.

I have these little thoughts that I could have a drink, just like I could eat meat. There’s no harm done. But I physically couldn’t. Can’t stomach it, can’t handle the way my brain feels on alcohol.

It’s just no longer an option for me.

and I’m so grateful for that.

This healthy, happy life.

It felt like such an achievement to get to 3 months (it was) and then 6 months (oh my!).

But now, it’s just passing time. It’s no longer something I have to think about, it’s simply part of my lifestyle.

and I think that’s awesome.

I think I have to say, I no longer have external stressors in my life – work, social – so perhaps there’s less of a pull for the placative affect. But I continue to be amazed by what the brain is capable of.

Neuroplasticity for the win!

I still get anxious – heck, I’ve never experienced so many panic attacks – but I have the emotional tools to regulate myself and return to baseline. I no longer get anxious about my friends/social life (hang-xiety) and my self esteem has improved alot.

I no longer doubt myself or hide in fear of what I’ve said, because no matter how unhinged I am behaving, it is me doing it. Not alcohol. and I can stand by that.

Intentional action and words.

I’m grateful for determination and discipline.

I’m grateful for the hope of something better, outweighing the comfort of what is/the fear of the unknown.

xx