It’s a strange feeling being in Melbourne – a city I love

But I am finding myself delved into a strange nostalgia

I think it’s coming from being in my friends’ house – the house I visited in a different life.

Visiting old haunts are reminiscent with the energy I used to carry.

I’m feeling a strange parallel energy where I could go home to the house I lived in in Victoria – the house I loved

but I can’t, because that life doesn’t exist anymore.

Although for the most part I didn’t enjoy living in Melbourne, I romanticized it a lot – the first home we made together, visiting the city was so exciting and cooking together.. comfort on rainy days.. It was all in my head and I made it dreamy.

On the other side of that, there was binge eating and drinking, seeking comfort from the cold, the unpredictable weather.

I am noticing myself turning to food for comfort in the cold and I thank god alcohol is no longer an option.

I no longer chastise myself for using food as a tool, as I have the awareness of what’s happening – once I identify it, it loses it’s hold.

I never really knew I had a problem with food, because my behavioral pattern was one that had accompanied me throughout my life.

Now I look back and acknowledge I did have a problem with food for sure, but it was always exasperated by external factors.

I was so inherently unsure.

I hated winter clothes – still do – but the ugly winter clothes would make me feel so unhappy with everything. Everything was an issue. Food would have a direct impact on how I felt when I looked in the mirror.

The hooks of this mental health disease were embedded so deeply in my flesh.

It’s incredible for me to be in the same place with a completely different energy.

I still don’t care for winter clothes, but I know food has no impact on how the clothes look on my body.

What I’m wearing no longer impacts how I feel about myself.

The love and certainty has come from within.

The funny thing is, I think the mental health/food issues were always projected onto me. I am extremely empathic and I believe the insecurities of those closest to me were transferred to me.

I felt so stuck when I lived in Victoria and I have felt stuck the last few days, but now I have challenged my perspective and am getting out. It feels so good.

I have nowhere to be and no one to come home to so I can literally go and explore as far and for as long as I want.

There are so many places in Victoria I would have loved to visit but never did because it always felt too far away.

Now is my time.