It’s funny considering it’s not even on the cards for me at the moment, being a single woman

But if this is something I was interested in doing, I hate that there is an external factor pressuring me to find an eligible partner, hurry! hurry! hurry!

The biological clock is ticking.

Were I to actively search for a partner, it would still be another 2 – 3 years before we conceived, making me 31. First baby, second baby at maybe 33 and god forbid a third baby? 36?!

Then you have the reminder of the biological clock once again.

From an evolutionary perspective, the prime time to have children would have been in my early twenties.

So I could miss out on the traditional coming of age and rear children, or I could have children later in life and be aware of what I’m giving up.

It’s a very difficult argument to swing – studies show those who had children young would rather to have had waited and those who waited would rather to have had them young.

But once you’re getting toward your late twenties without children, you don’t get the time back.

I know women have all of the possibility in the world these days – you can have the career and the family.

But part of me can’t help but think… If you have waited this long, you probably don’t really want it.

You’ve worked hard and created this life you love, for it to be completely turned upside down via children and family life.

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My friend is nearly 40.

Last year, he mentioned in passing how he wouldn’t mind having a child.

When I quizzed him on it this year, he said it’s probably unlikely.

If you’ve waited this long, it’s probably not a priority.

Then comes the other harrowing thought:

What if you want to have a child, try to conceive for several years – to the point that it feels like a chore. Then when you finally do conceive – who knows how many years later – you don’t actually want it anymore?

You were just going through the motions because you didn’t want to fail?

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I’m really grateful for this opportunity to learn how both my body and mind work and it affects my quality of life.

I feel we should apologize (on behalf of the patriarchy) to women who sleepwalked into parenthood, without thinking about what they actually want from life and what would allow them to live a quality life.

I’m not saying this is the case for everyone – some women feel the maternal instinct and it’s their truth. Lucky them.

But some women never got the chance to feel safe and regulate their nervous system prior to becoming a parent. Being thrust into the chaos of tantrums, emotional highs and lows – the pattern of disfunction is continuing. The woman knows she is stressed and cannot regulate. She was deprived of the opportunity to learn the emotional tools to.

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During my late teens and early twenties, I often wandered if I suffered undiagnosed Bipolar Disorder.

It always felt like a way too extreme notion to raise with the doctor, of course I don’t!

But now I am seeing it is undiagnosed Pre Menstrual Dysphoric Disorder.

I feel like we are only just becoming aware of issues that affect women specifically. (Thanks again, patriachy)

PMDD raises absolute havoc.

I have spoken about it on here before.

I know I couldn’t share a house with a future partner, because my moods are intolerable.

I self isolate during my luteal phase because no one deserves to be around me in that energy. What would that be like for kids who need their mum?

To bring it back to relevance, I have been thinking about how my pre menstrual hormones might change and affect me as I transition through pregnancy and post partum.

Forgive me for this feels selfish, but the physical changes my body would go through are very likely to trigger the body image issues I have fought for years to relieve myself of.

There are so many variables that, for someone who isn’t particularly excited about the prospect of motherhood, it doesn’t seem worth it.

Too much risk, for what?

A misplaced life?

The other thing is, the childless woman (or man) has more resources to go around. More attention to give to nieces and nephews. More attention to give to friends and hobbies.

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I have always lived my life in service for others, a lady in waiting.

I have finally become present and am being careful to live my life for myself.

If there is a prospect of kids on the horizon, I will be riddled with anxiety – will I be able to financially support kids?

I literally got the first full time job I’ve ever had, thrust myself into the corporate world where I do not belong, because I was anxious about having kids in the next few years.

Maybe it’s just me sweating the small stuff, but taking each day as it comes and living for myself is the only way I can ensure I am living presently, without anxiety.

It may not seem like a big deal – you are single, so it is not expected you will be having a baby any time soon.

But to intentionally decide not to procreate is really powerful.

I have finally successfully decentered romance from my life – I can provide myself with everything (and more) that a man in the current societal conditions can. I mean, men don’t even know how women’s bodies work.

So now, with this knowledge that I do not want a child and that a partner won’t add any value to my life at the moment, I am feeling powerful and equipped to move forward in creating and living a life I love.

That’s so exciting.

I would love to hear your thoughts on this topic.