Disclaimer: this isn’t travel related, it is journeying inward. I need to express it otherwise it will fester, so if you don’t want to hear about it, here is your out 🙂

The last few days have been really tough.

I have spoken about struggling in Melbourne and I thought it was a PMDD episode, but it’s really just this place.

Feel to heal.

I’ve been conflicted over the way felt and healed don’t rhyme.

I’ve felt it now I’ve helt it- wait nope

I’m always struck by the contrast between theory and practice – I have learned so much and I thought learning meant I had healed. But now I understand, I have acquired the tools to heal.

Back in 2020, I started becoming aware of things like inner child healing etc but I was very blase to it all. Interested but not fully grasping the concept. I wanted a quick fix.

I remember reading an article and it said not to approach this work without a trained therapist or support person. At the time, it scared me off. I didn’t really know what was involved and didn’t want to risk anything.

lol because I have done all of my healing on my own.

When I was settled in Townsville, I started to chip away at superficial things – there had always been a body image/food issue and insecurity of self (self conscious-ness). I read books by Louise Hay and books about beating the binge, intuitive eating and food freedom.

Forgive me for the ambiguity – it feels like a whirlwind. But through the disordered eating help books, there would be little prods and poking. Usually food is used to numb – what are you numbing?

I’d never thought about this.

I have suffered from gut issues and chronic eczema:

This is actually making me quite emotional even bringing it up. Like, I’ve been through a lot but was never offered emotional support – my expression always felt like a burden unto others so I would just bury it.

and while yes, I grew resilient – you shouldn’t have to.

I apologize if you, dear reader, are not ready to hear this, but

gut issues and chronic skin conditions don’t just happen

They are symptoms – your body screaming out that something isn’t okay.

I lived with chronic stress for pretty much my entire life, but my nervous system was used to it so – I would literally say I’m not stressed, I have nothing to be worried about.

I’ve said it before – if you don’t express it, you will embed it in your cells and you will become sick.

I know it may sound cuckoo to people (like my ex) who are practical and logical, but I am so passionate about this because my body has shown me time and time again.

Listen to your body

For heavens sake.

I literally became sick because of my environment and the fact I wasn’t expressing myself. My needs – my truth.

So, here I am with my little emotional toolkit and awareness of what has happened to develop me into the person I am today, with the patterns and behaviours I am trying to reprogram.

Side note – I saw a post the other day saying a lot of women are choosing not to have children because they are reparenting themselves. LOL same.

I will do a separate post on this – golly I am feeling anxious because it feels like this will cause some waves.

During my low season (days), I wrote down my achievements for 2024 and what I hope to achieve in 2025.

There were some huge things in there. Things it would be suitable to take a few years to accomplish… Achieved in less that 12 months. But these are all mental/emotional repatterning, so it’s not tangible for others to notice.

One of the recurring themes in this Melbourne feel to heal saga is body image/ego security.

I just don’t give a fuck anymore.

But when I lived here, I was so concerned about image. What people thought about me. What people were saying.

I couldn’t bear to leave the house without looking super cute and stylish. Wouldn’t venture out without make up on, because god forbid I see someone I know? (I would never bc I didn’t know many people here)

I used to struggle so much with the weather, because winter clothes are ugly.

I stand by that.

But also because winter clothes aren’t flattering on my body shape.

I still agree, but I don’t give a fuck anymore. I choose comfort.

Who’s looking anyway? That person over there? They’re concerned about how they look. They aren’t looking at you.

One of the great things about having my wardrobe in my car, is I have comfort at all times. If I drive somewhere cold, I’ll pull on my trackies and be so happy I can enjoy this new place in comfort.

Another thing is, taking 100 photos to get the right one.

Your friends know what you look like. If you think you look a bit weird in a photo, they will see it as just you.

Something I’ve grown fond of while doing things on my own, is using timer and seeing what silly face or angle comes up in the shot.

Today, I went to the hot springs and I was running around in my swimsuit.

I visited with my friend back in 2020 and I’m sure I would have felt so uncomfortable and tried to behind a towel while I wasn’t in the water.

Little things like that cause me so much pain – I am one of the lucky ones to have shed this. But so many women still hide behind their shame.

Today I literally got changed in the communal (female) change room. I don’t give a fuck. To spend 16-18 years of my life feeling ashamed of my body, I am pretty damn proud I have given that up at 28. It feels too late, but I’m glad it’s now and not in another 10 years.

Actually something I have noticed about Melbourne, is the Queensland dress code is not really appropriate. Melbourne (and Sydney, likely) have adopted a conservative custom of dress, which is fine and accommodates the multiculturalism of the cities. I appreciate that. But how much of that is due to misogyny?

I live in my own little bubble and coming to a big city where there is so much diversity, I find it confronting to see what the world is actually like.

Beauty standards.

In Queensland, I get around in my crop top and shorts, but here it feels like those kind of outfits are reserved for those with a particular physique.

I’m not comparing myself or feeling insecure, but I just know this isn’t my place anymore. I have grown out of those social norms and I need to go back to a place where… Even if they’re not progressive, they’re not entirely submerged in the unrealistic/consumeristic standards.

Anyway, to circle back.

It’s been a time. I love how the inner child healing came to me, then went away, then it came back to me in a round-about way as I started to dig into something that I thought was completely separate. All mental health things are linked.

I wrote about this in my last post – I still struggle with the wounded part of me that wants to be like, settled down – trapped. It wants to be in the flight or fight parasympathetic state.

But when I am on my own, I am autonomous and in control – in control of my nervous system.

I know that when I embark on a new relationship, there is no way I would go back to the way things were, because the whole dynamic would be different. I am not going back into my expressionless, fear driven self (unless something truly traumatic happens) and if the other person didn’t like my expression, they wouldn’t be the person for me.

My relationship will be built on open communication, expression and transparency. Sometimes I worry that I will find a loophole, but I remind myself that I talk the ears off anyone who comes near me, so naturally I wouldn’t be able to find a loophole.

The other thing which I find funny, is that I have the theory ‘open communication, trust, expression’ but I am actually already putting this into practice. It’s like when I said I am living feminist values without realizing it. You become your values.

So, vulnerability – growth – doing the work – expression – has all completely normal to me and part of my vernacular and everyday life. I had an interaction the other day that was so closed off and I was confronted with the ‘this is their truth’.

It’s not that those people are wrong particularly, it just means if I want to continue to grow and maintain this state of being, I need to find others who have the same state of consciousness as me.

So that’s a bit of a struggle, but I actually spoke to a friend who is on a similar road and is probably the only person who can really give me advice I’d be happy to take at the moment.

Remember that your friends want you to pick up the phone and get in touch.

Don’t be scared.

Just because one person doesn’t understand you, there are four others who will endeavor to.

If you got to the end, thank you for reading and I hope this is coherent.

There are so many different themes coming together in my head and I know this is my time to tie up loose ends so I can make space for what’s on the horizon.

I just didn’t realize there were so many loose ends still.

Better for me to tie them up while I’m on my own than dredge them up with someone else 🙂