Cortisol addiction has been a prominent theme in my life the last few weeks.

Noticing consistently high stress levels and the inability to sink into deep rest.

The search for more stimulus.

I have heard a lot about cortisol addiction and am well read in the theory, but observing the practical was quite interesting to see and theoretically diagnose in others.

Obviously I don’t have any letters at the end of my name and haven’t formally studied the DSM, but I have enough information to identify and manage mental health blocks and issues that hinder my quality of life. Or maybe I’m also addicted to cortisol. Who knows!

I used to be on the go all. the. time.

Can’t stop, someone might need something from me.

It’s very interesting to be on the other side of this and notice where they sprouted from. See them continuing to play out.

It was particularly enhanced when I was in a de-facto relationship. There was another person to be vigilant of, washing to be done, tasks around the house to be done. There was the chance you’d get called out for not doing a task correctly. Perfectionism.

The fear of resting, because there are still things to be done.

Since moving out of that situation and into living on my own, it became… I am the only person the completion of this task impacts, therefore I will do it within a time that suits me.

Then moving in with my housemate, I would become stressed about things that need to be done but slowly learned ‘well if she isn’t in a hurry to get it done it mustn’t be impairing her life, so I don’t need to hurry either’.

Self compassion helps heal.

The funny thing is, now I have become so accustomed to a calm nervous system.

I still panic and feel overwhelmed by pressure very quickly, so I hate obligations and wish everyone would do things for themselves. I have been known to say ‘if they thought it was that big of a deal they should have done it themselves.’

Don’t crack the shits with me if you could deliver the same outcome.

Especially don’t get me involved in all the drama if you’re gonna reach the same outcome! Just tell me what you need of me and fuck off with your drama.

Observing someone else in this constant state of nervous system dysregulation, I have come to see –

The need to look after everyone else is the need to be looked after.

It is a projection.

It is also a lack of trust that it will be done if you don’t do it yourself

and a possible fear of repercussions – which again could be solved by saying ‘if you need it done that badly do it yourself’.

One theme I am noticing is, wanting to help so bad that it’s not even quality anymore, it’s merely quantity.

I don’t want your help, I didn’t ask for your help and quite frankly you’re just hindering my life satisfaction at this point.

Taking the time to allow yourself to relax, rest and recharge would not be selfish. You can still be a martyr if that’s what you choose, in fact it will give you so much more quality output rather than the fumes and dust currently being generated.

No one can pour from an empty cup and it’s time those with a conditional love complex learn that.

I’m always straddling the fence between healthy boundaries and hyper-independency, but it’s sure as hell better than codependency.