You’re 14.

Your sister (18) gets a job waitressing at the local restaurant.

Your mum decides it’s a good idea for you to do the dishes there.

A convenient way to keep you out of trouble on weekends right?

*living an hour away from your school friends and working on Friday and Saturday nights really puts a damper on social skill building.

You’re 18.

You aren’t interested in uni, so you secure a job before you’ve even graduated.

A time that should be about going out with friends, making mistakes and learning. I was never available due to the responsibility of work.

You’re 20.

You’ve been applying for jobs on the other side of the country and finally landed one.

You move away, struggle to integrate but don’t tell anyone how you’re struggling, because you don’t want to go back home.

You learn to smile and gloss over everything. You’re living in paradise, right?

You’re 22.

Your boyfriend is pressuring you to move to the city he lives in. Back to the cold weather. At least you’ll have company.

You transfer with the company you’re working for, because you don’t think you’re capable of getting another job.

You’re 24.

Your boyfriend joins the army and you both move back to the warm weather.

You transfer with the company you’ve been working with for 4 years. In the state you’ve just left, you can get long service leave after 7 years. In the state you’ve moved to, you have to wait until 10 years.

You decide it’s not worth it. Although you enjoy the work, you don’t have friends at work and you don’t have a social life outside of work.

You’re 25.

You take a job at a cafe – monday to friday hours and it’s less stressful.

You become friendly with the staff, but are still unsure about the high-school drama dynamics at play.

You’re 26.

You take a full time job in admin, because you are feeling pressure about starting a family and being financially prepared.

You are working in a diverse environment and for the first time you successfully integrate socially with the staff.

A few months later, you separate from your partner.

You learn to lean on your colleagues through the hard time and you finally feel you belong.

At the end of the year, you find your voice and ask to move into a non-customer-facing role.

You’re 28.

You are crying everyday and having panic attacks.

You are bumping into things and accidentally hurting yourself at work.

You take these as signs that you aren’t on the right path.

In a rare moment of honesty, you admit you don’t want to be doing this job and only took it because of the potential of a family which is no longer.

You decide to quit your job and leave the life you had created out of necessity rather than desire.

You worked for 15 years, fed on fear.

Now without a stable income, you are dismantling the fear.

I can survive on little. I can survive.

Sure, working instead of socializing in my definitive years helped me buy an apartment so I will be financially secure when I’m older.

Sure it has allowed me to feel stable in not having much money now, but it hasn’t lent me the social skills to be able to enjoy this time.

We have been raised on what is fundamentally a scarcity mindset.

I hated my job with a passion for years.

But I didn’t believe I could get another job.

I was so scared, paralyzed with fear of failing.

I didn’t feel desire for my partner for 3 years but never chose a better life because I was scared.

I didn’t believe I could go out on my own and didn’t believe I would meet anyone else.

The effects of being raised on a scarcity mindset.

For years, I have struggled with body dysmorphia.

What makes me so angry, is eating is the only subtle form of expression I can get away with.

The disassociation when I see the results of my only form of self expression.

There is no room for kicking, screaming, crying.

Because if I cry and actually express myself, other people get upset with me.

Other people who can’t handle their emotions and won’t admit to the harm they’ve inadvertently caused.

I just want to talk.

I just want to talk this through and resolve the conflict, but there is no outlet.

There is no point in speaking to a brick wall, so the trauma remains embedded in my cells.

The worst part is, I am unable to live by my values.

I preach communication and conflict resolution, but it isn’t an option at the moment and I am seeing the results of letting feelings fester and it drives me mad.

I recently realized, I always gloss over things and focus on the good.

Obviously I tell people I don’t like Tasmania, but I don’t share how everyday I wake up, sit on my bedroom floor and wait until it’s time to go to bed.

I don’t do anything here.

On my work days, I have something to occupy my time. But otherwise I am literally just a waste of space.

I am so miserable here, there is absolutely no inspiration in the place and the grief that lives inside me is too thick and heavy to touch on without bursting into tears.

It used to be like this, 2 years ago. It shows what a difference having people you can be vulnerable with makes.

Talking things out with safe people.

But there are no safe people here.

That’s why I place so much emphasis on having a significant other. Someone who actually wants you to be vulnerable and listen to your woes. It’s too much to put on someone who doesn’t have vested interest.

My time in Tas is parallel to being in stasis.

Being cryogenically frozen.

Things are happening around me.

We’re 4 months into the new year.

Children are growing, seasons are changing.

I am staying in this frozen static state.

There is no opportunity to build a social life or date.

There is no opportunity for growth or change here.

That’s why I had to get out in the first place.

I don’t want to live here.

As in, I don’t want to be alive here.

But I know, where there is life there is hope.

My hope can only come from knowing I can leave and take myself to somewhere warmer.

Somewhere I can be free.

Freedom awaits