Firstly, can we take a moment to appreciate the masterpiece that is this film clip?

I had heard this song and ‘Sweetheart’, but the video was the first visual impression I got of Old Mervs and I was enraptured.

Does anyone else dislike Spacey Jane? I have no logical reason for my apathy, I am just very averse to them.

Thots.

Thots? What’s on your mind today.

Oh yes, you see? No social media equals more time with my thots and no fun way of numbing. I mean, I can sit here with my non-alcoholic cider, but it’s only gonna give me a resentful sugar hangover. I lowkey romanticize the idea of drinking again but darn it my logical mind is just too damn smart.

I’ve been seeing photos of myself in 2023 (thanks Onedrive memories. Now my photos app is doing it too??) when I lost a lot of weight and all I can see is how youthful I look when I’m not carrying all this extra fat.

I’ve always been ‘bigger’ but was properly working out and also cutting my food consumption in half and honestly I was glowing.

But I was also short tempered from being near hunger at all times and had aching muscles and joints.

I’m trying so hard not to get mournful and I have a very healthy relationship with nostalgia – saying hang on a sec, I was miserable actually.

But when I’m already feeling a bit of resentment toward my body at the moment, the ultra thin look is very appealing.

Being able to wear clothes more effortlessly etc etc.

I have been considering joining a gym once I get back up to QLD, I have so much free time now that I have no excuse not to. It might be invigorating.

One of the other things I’ve noticed about 2023, is I used to make an effort to look pretty.

I used to use eyelash serum and tint my lashes, do my hair nice and I just looked all round good.

I think having come out of a long term relationship, I felt free and optimistic.

Optimistic about the future, optimistic about boys, optimistic about life.

But you know what? Even then, when I looked incredible ngl, I still didn’t get dates. No one really showed interest.

and now, I have no optimism about anything really, because I have learned that I’m the best quality man I can get.

I’m unlikely to find a man who can provide more for me or do it better than I can.

I think this is rooted in becoming aware of and growing resentful toward the patriarchy RIP. As a girl who grew up on a diet of boys and fashion, dismantling the patriarchy and decentering men has given me less of a purpose in life and left me feeling not-so-cute. I don’t really have reason to.

and my pride forbid me from dressing up and looking cute for me in case some men see me and appreciate my effort.

Small side note, I find it really interesting how strong your personal opinion/mindset is on directing your life. I am feeling apathetic toward my body and that influences my decision to not date, because I don’t wish for anyone to have to deal with my body as it is right now. There is all the data under the sun that states people don’t care about your body. But my conditioning runs that deep. LML ❤