Hi guys,

I notice you viewing my blog and I appreciate all of you 🙂

I always find it funny reflecting on journal entries and aspirations – even those from yesterday.

Commit to 3 x days a week at the gym.

Commit to learning a new language.

Today, I’m feeling like … nah.

Once again, the body image perception is influencing the decision making region of my brain.¹ Too baaaad I’m a girl and my body is changing according to my cycle everyday of the month *rolls eyes*.

Also I just can’t see myself committing to learning a new language. I need a fun catalyst. A cute boy who speaks the language etc.

but if I learn the language in advance, it gives me an advantage hey??

I’ve also been thinking about doing a working holiday next year, but my trip to India² kinda makes me think I wouldn’t be able to hack it… But then again, you know this is your new home for the year so maybe it would be okay.

How am I feeling about the social media detox?

I actually feel so relieved. Like, last night I sent a photo of the fire pot and a message to my friend who I don’t talk to very often. Because I am not being force fed everyone’s lives, I am able to determine who I actually want to reach out to.

I’m trying to find beauty in the present moment – something I struggle with a lot.

and also staying mindful with myself – noticing when I’m losing interest in being awake or doing whatever I’m doing and acting on that. A bit like intuitive eating – noticing when I lose interest in the food and stopping eating.

I did reactivate my Jimny.gypsy account, but the algorithm is different on there, so it doesn’t suck me in so much. and now I really don’t want to be on there anyway.

I’m leaving Tas next week.

Back over to Melbourne, then up to the Gold Coast.

I’m really excited, don’t get me wrong.
But I’m starting to get a bit of anxiety about what to pack. This always happens to be when I’m moving. I don’t want to pack too soon and not be able to wear some things, but I like to be prepared.

My laptop charger has shit itself so I ordered a new one, it’s done me well to last 5 or 6 years. I can still use it, but it makes a crackly sound and I don’t trust it.

It’s funny how when you know you’re leaving, you just lose all worry.

Stop masking, start dancing around the house, singing out loud and standing by your boundaries. It’s like the fear of judgement is still so heavily ingrained in you, but once you know you’ve got an out, it’s okay.

On the topic of masking, I noticed how much I shrink myself at home. Most of the comments directed at me are usually criticism, so I learned a long time ago to be as non expressive as possible. I just realized I was like that with my ex as well. In my home, for 5 years. It wasn’t until I moved in with my housemate that I started to sing out loud and just be a general menace, because I didn’t care about what she thought (she had her own bad habits that I didn’t judge her for) but also because when I moved out on my own I vowed I wouldn’t let anyone make me hide myself again.

Whoops I let my parents do it.

Some things are really hard to change though.

When I was a teenager, I discovered this band who quickly became my favorite.

Thanks to social media, I built a digital relationship with the singer and through gigs, we became aquaintences.

I could never believe it and didn’t trust it/him (self worth issues) and obviously got into a relationship with someone else and so forth, so forth.

To this day, we are still friends. Albeit we don’t see each other much – I don’t see any of my friends much. But watching those music videos on Youtube makes me well up. The teenage feelings of love and adoration are still very much there, obviously it’s 10 years on so things are a bit different, but I can’t believe that out of all the boys, he’s the one who stuck.

I liken us to Emma and Dexter from One Day.

I always said we would get married, as a joke.

It’s funny how when you detach, things do come your way.

But once you’ve detached, you’re less focused on it.

It is the paradox I will forever live in – I will be going mad over some other guy, not realizing the one who is always in the background and actually holds some kind of substance.

Not necessarily romantic substance, but that long haul companionship substance.

Anyway.

Back to leaving Tas – so it’s weird to think I won’t have a house. Won’t have a stable base.

Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love my car. But I can’t dance around³ or do some hectic stretches in the car. But I can do some pretty decent stretches in the car! There’s a surprising amount of space.

Fuck I’m excited to be a little turtle again – carrying all of my possessions around the country.

As someone who has always had everything (materially but not emotionally) handed to them, I am really looking forward to living lean and having to work (do deliveries) to earn a buck.

I have no plans further than June, I am entertaining the idea of getting a room and work in Gold Coast, but a) it might be too cold and b) I would love to just rough it in the car for the rest of the year.

But then again, when am I ever gonna have the chance for a short term/casual stay on the Gold Coast?

Another part of me wants to head back up to Townsville (more Maggie Island) but then this other part is like, nah if you want to see your friends up there stay at Mission Beach and visit them.

So, so many options!

So much time and freedom – I can do whatever the fuck I want which is exactly what I need.

I just hope I don’t settle into something and get trapped lol.

xx

1. Must look for podcast regarding decision making region of brain ↩︎
2. I still haven’t told you about it!! ↩︎
3. With my whole body ↩︎