OMG I am getting nervous about going on the Spirit.

It’s not anxiety about what’s to come – I’m very excited – it’s more the little things that could go wrong. Will I need to take the things off the roof? Should I stay in Devonport the night before or drive over early? I have adopted a ‘wait and see’ or ‘fuck around and find out’ attitude to a lot of stuff in my life to qualm the anxiety, but I hate encountering a dilemma I could have avoided with a little bit of preparation.

I’ve been grinding my teeth/clenching my jaw a lot which is a PITA, but at least there haven’t been any night terrors. That’s a big step forward. I have reverted to plucking my armpits and searching my knees for ingrown hairs and pesky little black hairs I can pick. But I put that down to being bored. Definitely a sign of lack of control but also boredom. These behaviors started when I was a teenager, the peak of my feeling out of control. Funny to think my ex used to chastise me for having these habits, but didn’t enquire about the cause.

I always doubting myself right.

I actually just read ‘Strong Female Character’ by Fern Brady. Loved it. I have watched Ferns comedy sketches and listened to an interview with her on The Imperfects, how I came across this book.

I suspect I have high-functioning, undiagnosed autism. This book really highlighted some of my experiences and confirmed what I already think.

It was interesting for me to read about her struggles understanding social codes and cues. Why would people in-genuinely be nice to you? Why do people go along with things they don’t want to do?

Something that has been irking me lately, is people saying ‘oh I’d love to’ or whatever to let you down easy. If you don’t fucking want to, tell me point blank so I can move on, rather than holding hope. My whole life has been misinterpreting social niceties and holding hope for things that are never gonna happen.

I’ve picked up on patterns with some people and learned to not take their word seriously, but it sucks not having faith in people. Stupid social norms lead me to not trust people. *shaka*

Anyways, the reason I started talking about this was because I generally feel like a dickhead and wonder if I am ruining my life by running off and living unconventionally. Until someone I know somewhere along the way compliments me for being so brave and following my dreams. That makes me feel better haha. But also when I think about the alternative – good job and settled with kids – I run faster in the direction I’m going.

I maintain that if I want to get a ‘proper’ job and a place to live, I’ll be able to no problems. I would say that about finding a partner too, but so far my lack of attempts has proven that false.

At the end of the day, this is my decision and if the people around me love me, they will respect the decision. Even if they think it’s the stupidest dumb-fuck decision you could dream up, it’s my choice so they need to respect it.
I’ve recently had to disassemble and explain this to somebody and it seems so bizarre. What an odd thing to not offer respect to someone you’re supposed to love unconditionally.

Also lol, does anyone else find their vernacular changes when they are in their home town?
I don’t know if it’s that I’m more irritated or just that this place is bogan as fuck, but I am way more staunch and aggressive with my words. I never use C U in the NT but I have said it several times while I’ve been in Tas because no other word is as emphatic.
I feel my language is generally sophisticated due to the amount I’ve read and I’ve always prided myself on being studious/cerebral (another possible indication toward autism). Maybe it’s tall poppy syndrome, but coming from a rural, working class town where people aren’t very well read, it felt like a special attribute.
Fern writes about her hometown and I have similar feelings. Especially regarding the dating prospects HAHA.

Another thing that stood out to me, was the explanation of why autistic children/adults eat beige/plain foods. You know the stigma around ‘fussy people’ who only eat beige foods like chicken nuggets and mashed potatoes…

If they’re already feeling overwhelmed by the day/environment/emotions/whathaveyou, beige/plain foods would be safe and soothing to the hyper-aroused nervous system.

This triggered a connect-the-dots in my head.

in 2017, I moved into my apartment and lived on my own (for a month or two) for the first time.

I remember eating something and while I was chewing I went over to the sink and started washing up. The sensation of the water running over my hands took away from the taste of the food. I was no longer enjoying the food.

Over the years, I’ve forgotten about it and food has morphed out of being a sensory experience, but in trying mindful practice and trying to be more present with food, I have begun to notice this again.

Bringing my attention to the different flavours in the food at hand and how delightful they are. It really is an immersive experience.

I remember being out for lunch with a friend whom I shared riveting conversation with. The burger I was eating was so delicious but I noticed when I actively listened and engaged with what she was saying, I didn’t notice the taste of the food I was eating and when I enjoyed the taste of the food, I struggled to engage with her.

I informed her of the situation and that I would engage after eating, but that is a bit disheartening when it is a social norm to catch up over food or beverage.
I drink coffee for the caffeine effect and I don’t see the point of drinking it if I don’t need the hit. So I am more likely to deny a coffee catch up (I realize I can get decaf or a tea, but it’s the principal) and I tend to drink to get drunk, so I’m unlikely to enjoy the social aspect of catching up over drinks.

I feel things very intensely or not at all. And with my special little dietary requirements, going out to eat is a bit of a rare occasion for me. It’s special.

I find it a very personal and immersive experience and would hate for someone to interrupt and chatter mindlessly while I’m enjoying the sensory delight.

Similarly, being in the sunlight.

Sun is so soothing and regenerative for me, but when the sun goes behind the clouds or the wind comes up and ruins my serenity, I crack the shits.

Being cold makes me want to die.

The worst feeling in the world for me is being asleep and being woken up because you’re so unbelievably cold. It’s debilitating.

I have a core memory of being on school camp and being so ice cold in my sleeping bag (think Bella in Eclipse) and I thought I was going to die. How the fuck do you get through that?
It’s a wonder I enjoy camping now lol. But my car becomes like a little oven, so cosy!

Sure, you could use an electric blanket (I do and I get very annoyed when it turns itself off in the middle of the night) but then I get anxiety about it catching fire or me getting burnt. It’s easier to just be somewhere placid where I have a comfortable baseline and can take on extra curricular activities like socializing and hobbies.

The weather is so unpredictable in Tas, which is why I prefer North QLD. But Autistic people like predictability. I put it down to me just being a fussy bitch about the weather and comfort, but really I don’t think it is.
It’s the same reason I couldn’t handle children – I am a 28 year old child and I struggle with the unpredictability of my moods due to my hormones, imagine how I would go dealing with the unpredictability of a child on top of that. and the weather!

Fuck me, I’d need to be living in South East Asia or somewhere.