I’m laughing at the title of my last post.

I would absolutely thrive in Scotland.

Thinking about The Rubens omg I love them. They are so iconic but really understated. Like they sing about depression so optimistically and that’s my baseline. I’m depressed but I’m funny.

At least I think so

I’ve been thinking about it (again)…

I’m trying to find the root motivation behind why I do things, like why can’t I just live and not think about it? Because I think I’m crazy lol and because where other people are concerned, things get muddled and you need to be careful.

I downloaded Hinge (again) because I really want to have a go, get out there and socialize and I think the gold coast will be the perfect place to do it. It has everything I adore (sun, beach, vegan eateries) and it would be nice to have someone to share those experiences with. I don’t really trust myself to start talking to someone in the cafe (although I would love to), but I want to start making human connection. Ugh it’s so hard. Like I don’t want a boyfriend I literally just want someone to hang out with etc, and I know first date doesn’t equal commitment, but I’ve never dated so how would I know? lol.

I think I said in the last post like I can take care of myself and my needs, however when I’m around my family I find myself craving connection from people on social media or like validation…

and I wonder why, because I don’t want a boyfriend. It’s way too much hassle and drama etc, but I want the emotional support.

You do realise you can get that from friends right?

Like I feel edgy about leaning on friends too much when that’s what you’re meant to do and if it is too much, they will tell you and you can resolve the conflict in a healthy manner.

I know this intellectually, but I have never leaned on friends or family and never felt understood or validated from them, so I confuse the feeling of being emotionally safe as intimacy. Which it is, but you can be platonically emotionally safe. But I confuse it for… I don’t know, love? Falling in love?

Not sure.

But there’s the issue and I don’t want to deal with it I just want to be on my own.

So, I am trying to practice not apologizing for utilizing a friend for reciprocative emotional support, but also not fall into the regions of having a crush. Especially when I’ve not met the person.

Because this actually happened to me last year lol. I had a work friend who lived in another city and we’d talk on the phone, then I ended up getting a crush and telling him and ruined it lol. Because I don’t understand that friendships should feel safe etc because it was never modelled to me. Love!!!

FUCK

Why did I have to be and continue to be emotionally neglected and why am I too stubborn to seek professional help??? Why is therapy so expensive???

I’ll tell you why, I fucking mask in therapy. It’s so annoying.

Like I can tolerate anything if I am given time to decompress.

Which is why I love being on my own.

I’ll put up with all of your bullshit if I can go home and have peace and quiet afterwards.

But it’s when there’s no peace and quiet, no time for decompression, that I start to get angsty.

That’s why I don’t want to live with anyone, family, partner, kids etc.

Catching the ferry tomorrow.

Fucking ecstatic.