So here we are, I’m at a standstill in Melbourne for a few weeks before I cross the ditch to Tassie.

Do you ever do that thing (I think it’s intellectualizing) where you know you the thing will help you (yoga) but you just don’t do it..

Like, in theory, yoga will make me feel amazing and prime my nervous system. But instead I will just sit here and think about whatever it is that’s happening.

Lately, I’ve been feeling a bit anxious because I think this is just the beginning and I won’t be settling down anytime soon. I think it’s worse when I’m in someone else’s space – I tend to feel trapped. Even though it’s just an illusion and I can literally jump in my car.

Yesterday, I was airing these thoughts with my cousin and he pointed out that these opportunities don’t come often and I likely won’t have the chance/time on offer again.

How intimidating.

It’s like I’ve dreamed of and longed for this for so long, but now I am in it and have decision paralysis. My ego wants me to jump into a dynamic where I will feel trapped and not have choice – continue the cycle – but I know I will ultimately grow resentful and end up in this situation of too much freedom.

The strange thing is, everything I do and say is pointing in the complete opposite direction – I want the ultimate freedom. But there is pathological urge to find someone else who will take the reigns and make decisions for me.

Now my PMDD has eased, I’m coping better, but when I am in the thick of luteal depression, I really struggle with the internal conflict.

So back to the yoga thing.

Before I left, I packed all of these resources and books I wanted to study.

I ended up laughing at myself. Did you really think you would have endless time in the day to sit around and read?

I guess the reality would be that most of the time is spent getting from A to B, finding a safe space and looking around.

But now, oh now my time has come.

I was feeling antsy about staying here for so long, but yesterday I flipped the switch. This is the perfect time to get into a routine with my meditative journal and yoga practice.

Settling scares the shit out of me, but maybe there’s something to it. Actually give your body a moment to decompress.

I had been feeling a bit stifled in the city.

Sure, I could go to the park but I have to cross a busy road and I don’t want to.

But nothing is stopping me from packing the car and getting out of town for the whole day.

Daylight savings too, so I can come back later.

Perspective changes along the way of the journey but I am trying to recreate the wistful perspective I had before I commenced.

I kind of knew this would happen – the feeling of stuck-ness.

BUT I will be on my way in two weeks, so I need make the most of it because although right now it feels like forever, this too shall pass.