‘Being seen’ wound

No Cigar have a really cool sound.

I was just listening to Some Nights by FUN. and a song with the same title was next in line. So – thinking it was a cover – I added it to my queue. It’s most definitely not a cover but it’s fucking groovy, man.

I’ve peeled another layer of the onion.

The ‘being seen’ wound.

This explains a lot, if not everything.

It started out very innocently – a digital friend offering an unconditional ear.

Identification of subtextual pain.

How can one you don’t physically know, see the pain that those in close proximity to you turn a blind eye to?

A quick search on reddit confirms what I was thinking.

I have received praise, attention and empathy in my life, but none of it can make up for the lack of from those who raised me.

To receive all the accolades under the sun, but it doesn’t touch the void just behind the sternum. I don’t want your praise, I just want you to sit down and listen. and maybe give me a hug.

Even now, it’s too much to ask.

They turn a blind eye, because acknowledging my pain highlights their pain. Presumably. I mean, it is generational trauma.

All the boys I’ve chased, I’ve just wanted someone who would see me deeply and care about the emotions I couldn’t verbalize.

You don’t really have the same time investment with friends – once the ball is rolling it doesn’t take long at all for the vulnerability to come up, but friends can be fickle – a sudden change in circumstances or meeting a new love interest. Suddenly you’re on the backburner.
It’s almost funny that I don’t see romantic pursuits in the same vein, because they really don’t owe you anything.

It’s kind of funny because I chastise myself ‘why do you think you want a bf when you really don’t. You hate men’. This blog fills the void of having someone to talk to and the rest I have covered.

I know I’m not perfect by any means, right. I enjoy my face to face interactions with people to be light and glossy, to rejuvenate rather than deplete.
I still struggle with the tension conflict brings and I try to avoid it. It seems I keep people at an arms length so I can maintain this way of being.

Because there is so much, so deep and I tend to it in a very careful way, peeling the band-aid off hair by hair. Bringing someone else into this territory is unpredictable. What if they rip the band-aid straight off and you have to deal with the shock?

It evokes the memory of a friend telling me how I’d been a really bad friend lately (June 2024). ‘You’ve been out exploring a lot lately’. She claimed I hadn’t been there for her and it really hurt her.

She didn’t know how much I had been suffering myself. Crying everyday and getting away on the weekends was a survival mechanism.

But that’s the thing. It’s so heavy to dredge up, only to have the other person back out and say they weren’t expecting it. May as well leave it tucked away.

This is so the opposite of what Brene Brown says in Daring Greatly haha but fuck man. What’s a girl to do.

I’m still so annoyed with that friend – she simply didn’t see me.

Looking back, that relationship was just me seeking out a familiar pattern.

That’s a lot of the reason why I don’t have interpersonal relationships.

I don’t really know if I can find completely neutral relationships that aren’t built on unhealthy conditioning.

Anyway.

I don’t think I wrote about this, because I got embarrassed at the time haha. But I was seeing someone before I took off on my great adventure. Because I was going, we were literally just friends, but unfortunately a romance developed. Classic – me spilling my guts because I don’t see this going anywhere, but that’s the ultimate vulnerability that is required in a relationship. Fuck sake!

Because I generally don’t like boys and refuse to romanticize or potentialize situations, this really struck me. He seemed genuine and had some musings about a shared future that seemed really genuine… I shook it off, but once I left I realized what was.

We have kept in touch a little but I think it’s something that is best left in the past, because it’s obviously gone cold and now it’s time for me to break the pattern of chasing someone who doesn’t see me.

Let them.

If they wanted to, they would.

‘Sorry I’m terrible at keeping in touch’ but if you wanted to you would. I know this is really petty and I should just express what I want to express, but my pride is very staunch these days. I have put myself out there enough times to learn that if they wanted to, they would and I don’t need to listen to their reassuring half-truths.

The shitty thing is, this person is in a similar situation to me and I feel okay sharing my troubles because he would understand, rather than someone who is in a conventional lifestyle. and I’m just interested in what he’s up to as well.

But oh well. His loss.

That’s another thing I was never modeled.

Gosh I’ve had to learn some things the hard way.

6 responses to “‘Being seen’ wound”

  1. New Media Works Avatar
    New Media Works

    Hi Maria 🙂

    I found your blog via your most recent post — and I more or less immediately expressed my way back to here (I’m kinda hurried today 😛 ).

    AND I kind of jumped right on down to “I’ve just wanted someone who would see me deeply and care about the emotions I couldn’t verbalize” … and that sorta TRIGGERED me (you didn’t even WARN me 😛 ) — LOL.

    Anyways, Imma have to read this post in more detail later (because it obviously deserves more patient attention) … BUT I want to mention this thing I was just thinking the other day — and so here goes.

    I’ve been thinking there’s this thing about “emotional availability” — apparently women really like it a lot when that happens. (?) And there’s this other thing about “fixing” something and / or providing solutions — apparently women sorta hate it a lot (or at least quite often) when that happens. And so my hunch is that women seem to want something like understanding … and yet only if that understanding is sort of agreeable … do you get my drift? Is this me simply getting too much off on a tangent, or is there a there there? Am I barking up the wrong tree, or maybe just babbling aimlessly?

    Whatever — lemme know what you think (if you feel like it)?

    🙂 Norbert

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  2. Maria Avatar
    Maria

    Hi Norbet! Thank you for taking the time to express your thoughts!
    Re-reading this post brought up some tears haha, I will try to be more sensitive in future! I just tend to get the words out of my head without paying attention to how brash or confronting it might be 😛

    I like your train of thought. There is absolutely something here – I must disclaim that I am in a different place now and I suppose you could say I have managed to hold myself and my emotions. I have learned where I end and the other starts, so when I am having really bad luteal days, I can express that it’s not you, it’s me. Just hold space for me while I endure this.

    I don’t know whether I was expecting too much from a a potential friend or lover at that time in my life, but now I have an ‘it’s complicated’ (we couldn’t live together, I moved off the boat and we did long distance, then we broke up but kinda found our way back to each other) with a man who is very avoidant and does not do feelings. This is so funny because it goes beyond everything I know intellectually, however despite that fact he won’t verbalize his feelings, he expresses them in other ways. You could argue that this is some attachment wounding of mine, but I am not so sure about that. and unfortunately we can’t skip to the end to find out.

    Sorry if that was a TMI tangent but you’ve read my blog, so what can you expect 😛 I love context.

    So to get back on track with your question – simply yes. I would love for someone to listen to my fountain of thoughts and just be like ‘wow you’re mind is weird’ instead of trying to help me find a solution. Unless I am asking for a solution.. But then again, this is what my dear readers are doing! They are allowing me to have a space where I just express my mind without needing intervention.

    This is something I have had to learn myself – to hold space for others without analyzing and looking for a solution. Just being there for them. I think it makes a nice relationship – you mutually enjoy the others’ company but you don’t have the stress and drama of trying to fix their issues.

    I have a friend who very warm and deep but also very analytical. He is present and open as I express my deepest thoughts, but then he starts to question things and it makes me pull back. I just want to be able to freely express these things without psychoanalyzing. Until I feel like it. This begs the question of whether we can have true presence from someone emotionally unavailable or only from curious minds. I will have to get back to you on that.

    To paraphrase, I just want someone to be present.

    No distractions, no multitasking, just full presence.

    So to circle back – if you are looking for advice? I can’t quite tell – but I would say women would like to feel heard and held (supported) while they figure things out on their own.

    Paradoxically, if I know someone else believes in me, I believe in myself. If you grace me with your presence and belief that I can figure this out on my own, that’s what I really want. Of course you’re there to contribute, but it’s the presence that is the most meaningful.

    But it might also come down the the person’s love language as well.

    Sorry about the mini blog post haha but I would love to hear what this sparks in your mind.

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  3. New Media Works Avatar
    New Media Works

    For me, the “hearing” and “holding” (and “supporting”) aspects *mean* … something *more* … than being dropped, allowed to fall down, etc. The way I might put it would be: you can’t have both care, yet also care-free or care-less or (maybe the way you put it:) lacking attachment.

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    1. Maria Avatar
      Maria

      Yes! This is my ultimate catch 22 haha. Investment yet flexibility doesn’t really work. It’s a tough one, but I grew up with a bit of a helicopter mum and my nurture/nature predetermines me to stress easily, so I try to do the best I can to just chill and be placated. It’s unfortunate that when you care, you naturally stress 🤪

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      1. New Media Works Avatar
        New Media Works

        I’m particularly fascinated by the juxtaposition of your own wish to be courageous enough to express your own feelings vs. the irony of failing to acknowledge that this might also be a hurdle (i.e., difficult to overcome) for another person.

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      2. Maria Avatar
        Maria

        Oh I think I see it from your perspective – in terms of, they might be feeling the same wish? In my family we don’t really do emotions – even now, I will have an emotional outburst but can’t find words to describe them. I find it easier with writing because I can step away from the emotions for a moment. So i understand where people who are unable to express their emotions are at, because I have been there too. It takes a lot of effort, and frankly it’s tiring.

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